Tomorrow night, I'm having dinner with my highschool classmates, those who are in Manila, at least. Everytime I am around our out with these guys, a mix of emotions all come rushing back, most of them not good (Sorry guys, nothing personal. I'm sure you all understand teenagers -- we were all one once.)

I guess I was in what you'd call a "crisis," one where you never really know where you are or what direction you're going; you don't know the persons you walk and talk with even after 4 years of sitting next to them in class; you don't know whether to fit in or to stand out (or even regress into the background), and you try so hard to do either or all of the above that you trip all over yourself and you just end up being embarrassed.

That's what I was and that was how I felt in high school. Sometimes I was compelled to fit in, strutting with the popular guys. Laughing when they laughed, cheering when they cheered. I even bought a couple Giordano Classics shirts because anybody with a sense of fashion was wearing it.

And the truth is, I never really got anywhere with all that trying. So throughout my high school life, I decided not to try. I didn't hang out with cool or more popular classmates. I didn't aim for A's. I kept away from the limelight as much as I could, rarely volunteering for anything. The closest thing to anything resembling fame was becoming a member of the High School Baseball varsity, and even that didn't get too much attention.

I underachieved.

No, I don't blame my classmates for me wallowing near the bedrock of mediocrity. It was my choice. It was my interpretation of events, of the signs that pointed the way out of high school. Just like a real spy -- lay low, be wary of your sorroundings, know where exits are, and in situations of extreme duress, disappear. I was very good at that.

I submitted myself to be the role player in a team of superstars. That was my high school journey.

I changed all that in college. I had more friends. A girlfriend. I was an officer in our college org. I played college baseball. I played in a band. In my little world, I was the superstar. I had reached a whole new level of self, and I owe it all to the weirdness I put myself through in high school. I experienced so much more, because I didn't put myself through something I knew was difficult to handle then, but in college, I knew I was more than ready to take all the responsibility and hardships and attention. I stepped up then, transforming me into who I am now.

So there. Thus all the apprehension for these reunions. I fear I will revert back to those ways, to relive high school again. Though it never shows in the exterior, my mind is racing through all those memories where I sit back and just watched my life be molded by others. That part of my life almost disattached, hanging only on threads of real friendship and sincerity. But despite all doubts and apprehensions, I take part and look forward to seeing them still.

My former classmates are still my friends. And it is now that I cherish their company the most.

This entry was posted 9/22/2005 10:55:00 AM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.